Belated Birthday Post

I turned twenty-four last January 24, 2014 and still lost to nowhere and moving my life to a places I don’t know where it will be going to lead me. I’m getting age but I don’t know if I am getting the maturity of my age level. I’m feeling lost and I don’t know if I am at the right age to make decisions on my own. I can say that at my age I am still afraid to move forward and take steps to the path that I wanted.

I don’t know if I will be getting stronger for the future years of my life and I am confused still of what do I want to do. I am lost in the battle of the world. I feel like I am journeying alone. I can’t help but to think that this battle of mind is for me alone. I feel that when I fell nobody will be there to fetch me up and nobody at my back to watch me and help me to get on track. I feel that if I stumble I will get up alone. and I am afraid I am into that.

I don’t like to celebrate my birthday and my coming birthdays to come. I would rather forget it that to celebrate it that is why I don’t tell to anyone my birthday. I don’t like being greeted and being remembered I hate the feeling. I wound rather be alone on my birthdays. I don’t like that feeling when they greet me. I don’t like people coming around and share their greetings.

Anyway, the most important greeting I have received came from my family. I was happy that they did not forget my birthday and they always will.

I was expecting from someone but it only led me to disappointment. I know I was never a part of her life. I would rather be forgotten.

 

Unbearable Goodbyes

I am now moving on to the life that I wanted to be and this life doesn’t  include anyone including the person that I loved the most because I have decided already and have taken wholeheartedly that you are no longer will be a part of me but only part of my past that will stay behind because you were meant to be there for a reason.

I feel pain but I also recognize that It’s just natural and this feeling is part of moving forward, part of going to the place where I want to be, to the place where you are no longer there. I believe you can not be a part of me because it will not be me who will complete and give the life that is rightly for you. I have no role in your life to play behind the scenes is where I am suppose to be.

I won’t be looking back anymore and that I will do that. I will leave you behind because I know you won’t be journeying with me because that’s just the way it is and I know and I have accepted it already. I will be carrying you in my heart all the way but not as a burden but as only a memory that will remind me of my past life which I believe I didn’t regret because meeting you is one of the best things that happened to me. I will be carrying the lessons and memories you gave me but the love that I have for you, the love will be left behind because It will be a burden on my part to carry them in my journey. Part of leaving is to leave the most important part of my life, the love I have for you.

No regrets when I fell for you and No regrets also when I decided the time that I will now forget you. I won’t be forgetting you because in reality I can never do that. All I can do is leave it all behind so that all that stays there will just be there. Your future is bright and let it be.

What a Broken Cannot Forget

They said, when you feel broken it is a sign that you have tried to love a person that aren’t meant for you and you ended up losing and letting go of everything, every moment and memory you cherished because deep inside your heart you know that it just can’t be and it will never be. Brokenness is sometimes a proof that’s what is inside is a real feeling, it is a real thing. Even the hardest rock gets broken.

I have never moved since the time that I have lost the person I love and I believe the person who loves me too. I have never moved on because I choose not to and this burdens my heart and blocking me from any possibilities of opening  my heart to anyone. And the truth is, I have never moved on because of my belief system that nobody can love me, that she is the only person who is capable of loving me. I am afraid because if she doesn’t come back I think nobody can love me and like me that way she did. I love her because she was the only person who believes and loves and takes me as I am. That’s is why I can not move on.

I feel broken because I have nurtured a hidden love for this lady, a love that is somewhat forbidden. I cannot love her because in the first place she doesn’t love me. That merely not loving back a person can also be a cause of brokenness. And I feel that way and I have nothing to do because I knew it from the very beginning that things would be happening this way. I fell in love still but it is a choice that I did even though I know that nobody will be there to catch me.

Even though brokenness will be going to stay, I will still never forget all the happiness that you brought in my life. There is happiness in being broken it is about being true to the feelings without expecting things in return. It is loving unconditionally and freely without any demands and pressure from the other person.

In my brokenness, I have learned acceptance. I have learned to accept things as they are. I have learned to accept the reality that when you love a person, love them unconditionally. Love until it hurts and until it hurts no more because that’s is love, you give it freely. You don’t expect something in return because when you do that that will hurt you. Love until it hurts and until it hurts no more.