“I was wrong” is the first, “I am sorry “would be the second

“I was wrong” is the first, “I am sorry “would be the second.

It seems that these words are the hardest to say for they put you into position anybody would not like where to be. But these very words are the only words that can heal a broken heart and a broken relationship and it sad to know that they aren’t in my vocabulary. They are just so hard to utter for they wound my pride and my ego. They wound me and these words are disturbance to my inner peace.(I hope I am wrong with what I am saying right now.)

I know these words are powerful tools for a relationship, for any kind of relationship but I just can’t to know when to use them. I want to be sincere enough when I say those words but they just don’t come out easily and they don’t come from within, form the heart. And It’s just so hard to know the truth about my sincerity that I am not that sincere enough. Within me I know, I can’t fake it. I feel it in here that I am not just real. It’s like I am desperate person who want to make things real. Just real. and how? I don’t know.

How would I admit I was wrong if I can’t make it real. I can’t just say that I was wrong with no consciousness that I really am sorry. It’s just unfair. and I don’t know how to make it fair. I’m  not to faking everything but I am trying my best to be very real at any extent.

I’m sorry. These words, they would be the very last words I might utter only to those who deserve it. and it’s my philosophy and I live by it. But now, I don’t know. In the past, I know I was strong enough and I did live this philosophy but It turned me into a person I didn’t want to be. A person with no heart for others. And now, I don’t know how to escape this trap I have set for myself. It’s just so comforting to be here. I am not hurt. No wounds and no pain. I have walls to protect me. So comforting. But this can’t be. I know, this can’t be.

I have done so many wrongs in the past and I regretted them. I have learned from my mistakes but these mistakes and wrongs are now haunting me because I don’t know yet how to let them go. They are living with me and I allow them so because I believe these are my precious memories even though they hurt. Life is not miserable for me because for now I can still bear them but I worried about the future because I don’t know until when can I carry them. I just don’t know until when I can make it. I hope the answer may come soon, I pray.

I can’t be living my life this way. I guess I need to be alone to figure this out. Something is wrong. I can feel it. It’s disturbing me even to my sleep. If I am wrong with what I am saying then I am sorry.

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