What is a depressed mind is thinking?
I think I need to write down this feeling that’s hurting me lately and until this moment that I am writing down this very words I can still feel the pain. Lately, I had this feeling that I needed to be alone. I want to be disconnected from any human affections that this life is letting me feel. I want solitude and silence. Just be with myself to figure out what’s really happening to me. I want everybody to stay away from me for now.
I am feeling that I am nothing. I don’t have worth to anybody. I guess that’s why I am numb to any affections that I am supposed to feel. I don’t know. All I feel within me is pain. I have my inner frustrations and I don’t know how to bring them out. My dreams at night are really horrible. In my dreams, I bring them out. In my dreams, all is a revelation. In my dreams, I mostly cry and then I wake up crying. My dreams are my reality. They show the inner me that I can’t express. That I want to show the world. Those emotions in my dreams are so strong that I even feel them when I wake up.
I am feeling that I am worthless. I live for nothing and I think I need to live alone in this world. I am thinking that I don’t need anybody to make me happy or complete. I think I am alright living alone. I live in my own world that nobody knows and nobody can enter. I just want to be alone and I am thinking that nobody is worthy to be with me because nobody wants to anyway. Nobody likes me. Who would ever dare to like someone like me? Nobody! It’s just that people are good because they need something from you. My thinking is sounds so cynical. It’s a disease that I need to cure.
Sometimes, I hate people. Sometimes, I love them and when I love them I often cry because I need to accept them for who they are. And me? Never mind. I have always wanted to understand all people’s sufferings and sentiments. I always want to see the world in their eyes but this want is just so frustrating. It brings me to my knees. Sometimes I can’t bear people.
There are so many things that I want to know in this world. And to know all of those things, I need to sacrifice myself. I need to go to the deepest and darkest corner of my soul and of my life. I need to be alone in my journey. I need to be that person who never needed anybody. I need to be that person who will be misunderstood by everybody. I need to be that person who will never have any affection to anybody. I need to claim my autonomy and I know I can do it because I have been doing it for so long.
I think I don’t need to explain to anybody if they can’t understand me. Let alone their misunderstanding. I don’t know yet what is really important in this world. I don’t owe to anyone a single moment of my existence. Only to God.