An Ocean of Guilt Can Kill You
I was reading this book “The Five Languages of Apology” by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas and so far it got me into something that I didn’t expect. It impacted me so much that I have to sigh deeply whenever I read phrases and words that really struck me to the core of my being. It reminded of the things that I should have done long ago. It plunged me drowning to the ocean of guilt that now I find it hard to swim back to the shore.
Long before I should have given up this personality of me that wants to control everything. This part of me that manipulates people by rationalizing myself that I am right almost all of the time. This part of me that believes that I know and I do what is right and that I never go wrong but then I was totally wrong with this kind of thinking. And this kind of thinking boils down to issue of low-self-esteem. I have not trusted myself and I acted immaturely most of the time. I want to be a mature person but I never thought that this kind of thinking and attitude make me immature. Before I never really wanted to admit that I am wrong. That was such a big mistake.
Before I never really believe that an apology can do something to fix relationship. But I was also wrong with my thinking that apology can bring back everything. It’s neither. An apology is just the first step to healing. That’s it. Apology and forgiveness cannot really make you forget everything and cannot bring back and undo what has been done, but one thing is for sure, it heals the wound. Apology heals relationship and opens the door to welcome the person back again despite of all the hurts and pains. I am guilty of not an asking an apology even when I know I am totally wrong.
To forgive a person is a decision not an emotion and also a gift to the offender. It’s really hard to forgive but if you don’t, you don’t know also if you are healed or you are on your way to healing. Those guilt haunt me every day and every night. The things that I should have done for her and for all the people around me. I have so many regrets I carry with me. And I don’t know how to unload them. Now I feel like I am drowning into the ocean of guilt and it kills me. Even my relationship will other people are affected. They got hurt because of my behavior that even me, I can’t understand.
I feel like I need to ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter if I am forgiven what matters is I ask and I am sorry for all the things I have done. And I regretted them. For my sake, I need to be free from this guilt. They need to know that I know I was wrong and I want to say sorry. Only forgiveness can freely free you from all the guilt you have.
I’m sorry I was wrong. Will you please forgive me? Let’s free each other and let us move on.
dark nights of the soul 