I Am Afraid I Am Depressed

I don’t know if I am challenged by the books that I have already read. I was thinking about them. The more I know and discover things and truth, the more I can’t control my mind. They go wild and I can’t control them. There are a lot of thoughts and voices that stimulate negative emotions. I feel them deeply inside and they hurt me so much. I don’t want to think of them and sometimes, I say to myself it’s just in your mind. Most of them are just illusions. I know. I know.

I want to ignore them anyway and I also want them to go away. Sometimes, I just want to believe that everything is fine. I want to believe that all of them, all of these voices and thoughts in my head, are all lies. Nothing true but all lies. They want to destroy me and I don’t want to believe in them. I want to fight them to best strength that I have. But now as if I’m helpless. I just can’t. I am helpless.

Sometimes, I feel happiness. I always tell myself “happiness is a choice.” There are moments in my life that I just laugh, and laugh, and laugh, because somebody is telling me that if I want to be happy, it’s my choice that nobody can do it for me. This last for a day. What a positive ambiance and a paradise to feel this kind of euphoria. As if in a minute all my worries and all those destructive voices were gone. As if I have found solutions to all my problems.

But then, I don’t know what will be going to happen next. I don’t worry and I don’t even know if I am worrying. I just can’t figure out what is feeling inside. Suddenly, all of the voices will come back telling me again those words that I don’t want to hear. And they hurt me. I feel the sorrow alone. I bear the grief and pain because I alone know what’s happening to me. And no help. I can’t find help. I need help.

Everything around me seems normal but the way I see things are not normal. What’s happening in my head is not normal either. The line for pain and sorrows are always longest than that of happiness and joy. Happiness is a choice but I can’t help to fight the negative voices inside myself. As if they are telling me that I would never be the person that I want to be.

I worry about myself. The world is too beautiful. People see me as a lucky person but that’s not the way I see myself. If only they know what is happening to me they would not appreciate my external behaviors. I am trying to hide every pain that I carry with me. I am trying to convey to everyone that I am alright, that I am fine. That all is well. Nothing to worry.

Sometimes, I just wish somebody can help me. But then I ask myself who? When they attack me as if I want to jump out of that building to end everything so that I can’t feel the pain of torture of the voices. This feeling of alone, loneliness not solitude, makes it hard for me to move on and fight for positive affirmation for myself. I know I don’t need to fight the battle alone but again who is willing to fight with me. Nobody. Sometimes, I think to myself that I am just thinking that I am alone. And this thinking of thinking that I am alone makes me feel that I am unworthy of anybody’s presence, makes me feel unloved and unwanted, makes me feel tired of loving and moving on, makes me feel that I need to give up the fight.

These voices, so many of them, they tell me that I am capable of nothing. That I can’t really do good deeds for others. I can’t really offer and be someone to anybody even though I will do my best and give it my best. I don’t want to listen to what they are saying but they are weighing me down to my knees and they are making me cry. I know I don’t need to believe them because they are not true. All of them are lies. But how can fight and believe that they are not true when all I can see in my eyes are all their shadows. I am being surrounded by their shadows. They all attack me when I am most alone and feel that I can’t do anything to fight them. Am I really good for nothing?

I can’t really love somebody. Sometimes, I want to believe that I can’t really do this thing: to love someone. I’m not capable of loving others because I am selfish. I don’t know if I have experienced to be loved genuine. I have never trusted anyone before. I have always doubts especially to people’s intentions. I don’t want anyone beside me. I don’t trust people. And I find it hard to open up because I know I need to hide myself and I’m afraid to be judged by others. I have painful experiences that I can’t open up. And when people will know them I know they won’t accept me. These experiences were so deep that I know I just can’t carry them all through out and the only way to free me from them is shed them to light.

I feel shame and I am ashamed of myself. I am afraid to go out and reveal myself. This is me, broken and hurt. When you know, I don’t know if you’re still be going to love me despite of who I am. I am a person who are really in need of a love that is real. A love that is so real that will understand and accept every pieces of me because I am a product of a not so good experiences of the past. I really want to become a psychologist because I want to heal myself but I know I just can’t or maybe and someday, I hope I will. I feel like I am journeying alone and along the way I am hungering and looking for love. A love that will accept me. I’m thirsty for it.

I afraid this will last long. And I don’t know until when. I just hope help will come. And I know, God doesn’t delay help. Time will come for me to be healed. I am afraid I am depressed but I am not afraid because I know I can still fight back. I can still win this battle.I just hope and I wish people around will understand me now so that they will not judge me.

1 Comment

  1. Q.A.T says:

    What value are the books you have read or the truths you have uncovered. If they prompt you to ‘control’ your mind? Control suggests that you feel that your mind is inferior. Do not repeat mistakes from your past. .

    When you tame that which is wild dear friend you destroy it’s beauty. Just like the wilderness of the world experience it & allow it to penetrate your core. Stop resisting it. Negative emotions complete positive emotions. Without one the other can not exist. They do not hurt you, you hurt yourself.

    “They want to destroy me and I don’t want to believe in them”.
    They are a part of you. Every cell in your body wants to not only survive but thrive. That is at the cellular level. It is absurd to believe that when these cells compound to form you. They or a part of them wish to destroy you. i.e. themselves. In many cases where a pathogen is able to enter into the body, the body raises it’s temperature; which we call fever. It can be misconstrued that the body desires to kill or as you put it destroy itself. However, that is simply not true. Similarly you are at a cornerstone where you also perceive your mind to be annihilating itself.

    ” I always tell myself “happiness is a choice.” ”
    No happiness is a state of being. That comes & goes. If one tries to capture it, it is lost. Just like a butterfly either it flutters away or dies.

    ” Suddenly, all of the voices will come back telling me again those words that I don’t want to hear. And they hurt me. I feel the sorrow alone. I bear the grief and pain because I alone know what’s happening to me. And no help. I can’t find help. I need help.”
    You are not alone. If anything you have isolated yourself. There is nothing wrong with that, You are not the first & nor the last to feel this pain/sorrow. Why do you skeptic not want to hear those words?
    Though i cannot “help” you. I offer a confidant. Sometimes, what is required is a push in the right direction. If you accept then please do respond in the following weeks.

    Normal & natural are not one and the same. A thing which is normal conforms to a standard.A standard set by a group of people. What is normal is not always aligned with the Truth. What is natural is always aligned with Truth. Normal changes based upon society, environment so on & so forth. Why worry yourself into hysteria for the sake of a standard that you were never meant to conform to?

    You are a seed. That has a manual embedded within your genetics to become that which you were predestined to be. Now if an apple sapling dreams of a day when it will produce peaches. Then surely it will be disappointed. But that is never the case. For the kingdom of flora are not plagued with such thoughts as human kind are sadly.

    Why worry, did you worry about your sustenance as a child? Most likely not. Even if you did, you are here to this day. That was your most vulnerable state. Now you are capable & no longer dependent on others. So what is there to worry? If the worst is to happen your worry cannot prevent it & if the best is to happen your worry cannot hasten it on its path to you.

    To care about the opinions of people is a very grave mistake indeed. Indubitably, they will add to your sorrows & reduce your happiness. Surely, you do not ask there permission to breathe, eat, sleep & all those other tasks that humans do. If that is the case. Then why bother wasting your energy on their views. You do not have to convey to anyone that you are fine. If you are miserable then that is your state. Accept it, cherish it, become one with it. Those who are truly worthy of your time will appreciate you in all your; hues & temperaments. You are under no obligation to appease anyone.

    When life becomes unbearable. Do not seek to end it. Have courage & love. If death is what you seek. Then i propose something better. Leave, take a journey deep into the wilderness. Observe. Let nature heal your wounds, hear your wails & laughter. If on this path you find death then i can guarantee you. That this death will not be cowardly, it will bring you much peace in comparison to that suicide you speak of. Not only so but you will be given a chance to be reborn a new in this life. No-one will fight with you. But many will support you in your efforts. Cherish those who have the kindness & compassion to treat you as they would themselves.

    You should rejoice. These voices you speak of are your benefactors. They speak the Truth when they tell you that you are capable of nothing & cannot do good deeds for others. Take a deep breath & sigh of relief. Why carry the burden of doing good for anyone? If you are capable of nothing then anything you achieve is great? is it not? Can you really be certain that you know what is good or bad for anyone? It is best to do actions without any expectations of return. When marking an action with good or bad you weigh your own efforts & your self. No-one can pay your price. Why ask for a return or place a tag?

    You must not love anyone. Learn to love yourself. If you achieve this you will love the world. The world compromises of billions of people, uncountable animals & plants etc. You are not really ‘selfish’. A selfish person is concerned with there own profit or pleasure. By this definition how can you be selfish? If you are depressed as you say you are in debt & drowning in melancholy. You should be selfish though! I would wittingly advise it!

    Do not feel compelled to ‘shed them to light’. For that is not how healing occurs; though it is a method of healing, it is not the only way. If you accept your wounds in darkness that will be better than any light. If you feel you would like to share then feel free to do so.

    I know who you are. You are beautiful beyond words! More valuable then you can ever know. Do not let anyone persuade you otherwise. The love that you are yearning for is self love. Psychology will not heal you. Psychology is a product of the broken system that people live by today. It will try to help you subsist within the system. But not to thrive & flourish. It is a useful tool in understanding your oppressors but not the greatest tool in regenerating yourself.

    He does not delay, in that you are correct. Let the people judge. There conclusions will not matter. God is the final judge. What ever you do, may you find tranquility within yourself & every success on your travels!

    Remember with difficulty comes ease.

    Have a mellifluous week!

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