An Inspiration from a Starfish

Christmas is near and It’s again my only time to go home in the province for a many months that I am working here in the city. I am away from my family and I think it is fitting to go home now and gain again strength that will move me to pass through my misery.

I don’t want to escape from this reality that I am going through. It’s painful but how could I go away when at the end I know myself that It is myself, the very me that I am destroying. When it comes to healing I always remember the figure of a star fish. The only way the starfish could cure itself is to go back to the sea because the sea is its home. The starfish needs to go back home for healing.

I guess it’s time for me to go back home and be healed. I am carrying a deep wounds in me and I need to forgive people who caused all of these. and I need also to be forgiven for not being real about my feelings. Those aches and hatreds I have carried them with me. And now I think it’s fitting to let go. I need rituals to do it and when I’ll go home I’ll do it. I’ll do my ritual of letting go.

I guess she’s right. That conversation with her made me realize that what I know are just little things about life. That I don’t need to know everything. And I shouldn’t be trying to know everything and to be pretentious all the time. I guess I have lost myself along the way. I have intentionally walled myself and now I find it hard to go out.

I know I can make it. For a long time,I have been to hard to myself. I was so cruel not to let me be happy. I feel I have a great debt to pay to myself. I have deprived him of what he is supposed to be. I have deprived him of the happiness of life. Such loneliness and misery for all these years. I have been so cruel. I ask forgiveness to myself and I will, one day, forgive me.

When I go home. I will bury all of them. That, I will not write right now. How will i do it.  I will go home to be healed and be at peace with myself. I’ll soon be free.

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