With This Letter, I Hope For Her Love

Dear Diana,

After all these years, I know I should have been disappearing in your life but those pains I have caused are the shame and guilt of my life. I am ashamed of myself to whatever I have done and mostly to the things I should have done.

I know I never gave a time to let my presence be felt in your life. My absence was more visible than my existence and as if I never really have been in the course of your life and I believed I have failed to do it so.

I have always believed that you are a strong woman and you really are. You were able to stand and survive the trials and adversities of life, utmost in bitterness and in sorrow. And I wasn’t there at least to make a lift and it made me feel ashamed of myself but I admire your inner strength. and I always pray that you be happy and safe always.

The fault is on me. You have never done anything wrong or anything you don’t deserve. Most of my nights, I spent thinking of how am I going to make my mistakes right, thinking of how am I going to ask your forgiveness, of how am I going to reconcile with you but I don’t a face to do it. I’m full of shame and I don’t know how to ask your forgiveness, although I desperately want it to, because I am afraid that you might not forgive me. I scared because I know I have done wrong. I feel like I am a child who doesn’t want to tell the truth because I am afraid that if I do, I will be punished.

Diana, I’m sorry for everything.  Sorry may mean nothing to you at all because I know what’s done is done. A broken glass even though glued can never be the same again. But still I want to say sorry, I was wrong. I was really wrong. It’s me who is responsible for all of these.

I know saying sorry in a letter may be informal and less of sincerity but if you permit and allow me to say in it person to prove my sincerest apology I would do it. And I hope you do.

I want to be honest, I want to be reconciled with you. More than a year have already passed and I think it’s time to make everything clearer now. I know I can’t just walk away and forget everything. You know what I mean. Honestly, deep in my heart, the past is not just a past that I have to let go and forget. I still carry them with me, every bit of those memories are still here. I can still remember those words you said to me, “na gawin ko muna sa sarili ko ang lahat ng sinasabi ko at alam ko.” You are right. I never had the courage to do what love requires although I knew them. I was a coward for so long. Maybe this time I may have the courage to do what I think and know is right. Those words of yours have never really parted me and they make me cry.

I hope you may hear me say my words even though you may think you don’t need to hear it anymore. Just let me say sorry and ask your forgiveness in person and let everything that follows be a history. I don’t have the right to demand. Whatever your response may be, I’ll respect it.

Please give me a chance. Let’s give everything between us a chance. And I hope you let me know when that may be. I am willing to wait if time is needed. Just let me know, please.

This letter is my way to reach you because I can’t think of any means to do it.

Please.

God bless!

With sincerity, aw.